My Mama or My Wife: Who’s the No. 1 Woman in a Man’s Life?
The Rocques
It's funny how there are certain questions in life that you never think about until you have to. I found myself faced with one of those questions the other day: Who do I love more my mama or my wife?
At any other point in my life if I were posed with a question that pitted my mother against any other person, place or thing in the world and the woman who gave me life would win hands down every time. No questions asked. None needed. But recently my ability to answer such a question with absolute and immediate conviction began to waver a bit. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother unconditionally and with all my heart but I can say similar things about my wife. Unlike the latter, though, the Mrs. is someone I chose to love. Somehow that makes this different.
These thoughts came to mind the other day at work when HR gave me life insurance paperwork to update post-wedding. For 35 years (technically less since I never filled out a W4 until my teens) my mother always occupied the top spot on any beneficiary form, followed by my siblings in descending order by age. But as I stared at the paperwork and looked at the blank space for primary benefactor I was unsure of whose name to fill in: my mama or my wife. Beyond that, what was the percentage each woman in my life should receive. A 50/50 split seemed fair, but what about my siblings who have always been part of the equation? Plus, one of them is still technically a minor.
The fair thing seemed to be to split the pot three ways and then divide the last one into thirds so mama and wife would get 33% a piece, and my siblings could get 11% each. It seemed fair in theory, but somehow these arbitrary numbers felt wrong. My mother and wife only get 33% of my (financial) love. And my siblings get a measly 11% a pop?
I sought out the counsel of someone who may have possibly gone through a similar decision-making process for a possible solution to my conundrum. A married friend on IM suggested simply splitting things down the middle between my mama and my wife 50/50 and just nixing my siblings altogether. But I've known them all their lives and they've always held a spot on my secondary dependent list. Does a wife's position trump three blood relatives with a simple "I Do" and vow of eternal love and loyalty? That's not to say I, or anyone else, should love my wife more than my actual family, but there's a different level of love in that relationship and in a sense more obligation attached. My bills are now her debt, and in the event of my demise she would be solely responsible for that, along with any offspring we produce.
See, getting a wife shuffles the deck of life. My mother always played the role of Queen in my life, while I was the King and my siblings served as other trump cards in my suit. Once my wife came into the game she completed my top 5 check by being my Ace of Spades. If that's truly her role in my life and the cards analogy holds true then I have my answer: My wife (technically) outranks my mother.
Now, that’s not something I say with malice or ill intent to my mother, because she will always be my rock. It's just now I have two primary women in my life. It's something I think even my mother understands and saw coming. Before leaving our wedding reception she said something to me that I initially brushed off but now I get it: "I love you and I’m proud of you. Now I'm you're No. 2, but you'll always be my No. 1 son… Shhh, don't tell your brothers."
Does a spouse automatically trump a parent’s role in your life? Should your spouse receive more than your parents in your will? Do you think it’s possible to split the love equally between your parents or your spouse or does someone always wind up coming in second place?
Speak your piece...
Reader Comments (9)
Really good question. Never thought about it until you brought it up, but I would always leave something for my wife AND my mother. My siblings on the other hand... They have to fight over the video games in a cage match battle to the finish! lol
Yes the spouse automatically trumps the parents.. "therefore a man must leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife." and that's about it, and that conviction stands even firmer after you have children. Before I was married, everything I had would have gone to my sisters and my daughter, now everything goes to my husband and my children. No parents, no siblings. For me upon marriage, my husband and now our children are my primary family, everyone else is secondary. You are very fortunate to have a mom who understands that fully and completely and is not out there trying to sabotage your marriage so she can remain # 1 in your life.
This decision was very difficult for me as well. I was raised by a single teenage mom and she had been listed as my top beneficiary for a decade (along with my grandfather and other close relatives) before my son was born. Then when I got married 5 years later, it completely changed every beneficiary form. My mother and everyone else had to be removed from everything, even my will. That was very tough at first but a growing family required that everything remains within the nuclear family to care for my wife and the children. Wifey becomes #1 for better or for worse.
Well the Bible does say over and over again for husbands to love their wives, but only mentions once that we should honor our mother and father. (But I haven't done a study on this, so don't quote me as an authority on the subject.)
@Vincent
Thanks for your input, I'm curious though as to why your mother and everyone else HAD to be removed from everything, including your will? I know there are only so many slots on beneficiary forms (although HR said you can add more), but I never heard any limits on who's mentioned in a will. Is that something your wife stated or you just feel they are no longer eligible to receive anything even if it was non-monetary? Just curious about that statement.
It was a mutual decision regarding the beneficiaries and our wills. After marriage, we both created wills that bequeathed all property to the other in case of one of us passing. We also, have alternate beneficiaries listed in case we both pass at the same time. We will be creating new wills this year to clarify a few things.
I have to say it did feel strange at first but then I realized over time that cousin Ray Ray and uncle Johnny are not more important than my wife and children. The wife and children have to come first in all things. She realized the same thing and we've been quite happy with the decision.
Now, if you haven't done so already, then your next topic should discuss how you and your spouse deal with all of your friends or very close relatives who double as friends. We all had friends before we were married and we don't always like our spouse's friends. Not to mention when some of them have less than ideal views of the married world, shady occupations, or just like to freeload.
You cling to your partner/wife/husband
NOT your parents
my parents have left everything for each other and their children
they never even discussed the parents
Once i am married it will be for my husband and our children (we are engaged)
AND that will mean that my mother and my brother, will come OFF the forms (they are currently listed)
maybe its different for me because she has my Dad, but my brother has no one other than the folks and his children.
I am just of the those that truly believes that your spouse is the #1
a woman will love her kids more, but a man is "supposed" to love his wife the most. either way guy's getting screwed
@Vincent
I got you now. Cousin Ray Ray and them weren't even on my radar. My family has always been my mother and my siblings so they were always part of my equation. Extended family beyond that not so much, I stay close to home and have few blood relatives outside of that that i have a major connection to.
As for our friends and such, we share many but truthfully we enjoy our own company more and more and try to enjoy as much of that as possible. As we say, we're each other's favorite human LOL